Priest

TedFlicks Rating:

$2.00 ticket on a scale of $0 to $13.50

ONE SAVING GRACE

“Priest,” a post-apocalyptic supernatural skein foisted on an unsuspecting public by Screen Gems, has just one saving grace:  It is only 87 minutes long.  Ten minutes into it one is itching for it to end.  Your critic actually saw paying theatergoers walk out mid-pic.

“Priest” is the second feature for helmer Scott Charles Stewart.  Your critic would suggest that he find another line of work.  Pic is a mishmash of Western, Horror, Paranormal, Thriller, and Post-apocalyptic genres.  It succeeds at none of them.

The plot is preposterous, but that can often be forgiven in a genre film.  Acting is wooden.  Dialogue is stilted.  Special effects are hardly special, and no character engenders much audience sympathy.

Furthermore, pic is at once futuristic and retro.  Rocket motorcycles with advanced electronics speed at 200 MPH plus, while electrically equipped houses have wind-up Victrola phonographs with morning-glory horns.  Dress varies from Depression-era urban to 1890s Western frontier.

Pic, which is shot with largely washed out color, which at least is appropriate to its dismal subject matter is this:  Years after the conclusion of a war between humans and vampires, which was won by cadres of warrior-priests specially trained by the church, the vampires have been herded onto “reservations” and the warrior-priests demoted to the lowest rung of laborers in a theocratic society where cities bear a strange resemblance to those in Modern Times, the 1936 Charlie Chaplin pic.

A settler in the vast wasteland outside the walled cities suffers a vampire attack.  The settler is the brother of a hero warrior priest played by Paul Bettany, whom sharp-eyed filmgoers may remember as Silas from The Da Vinci Code.  It seems that this boy can make a career playing renegade clergy.  We’ll fast-forward to a revelation:  The daughter of the dead settler is actually the daughter of Bettany’s priest.  She lives with her uncle, not knowing that he is not really her dad.  She is captured by the vampires but not infected — which strains credulity until one understands that she is merely bait to get Bettany’s priest into the clutches of a human-vampire, a former warrior priest captured by the vampire queen and converted into a sort of Western bad guy — a kind of supernatural Liberty Valence played by Karl Urban with a dental appliance.  Priest’s daughter, Lucy (Lily Collins)

The backstory as to how Urban’s character became a bad guy is set up by the Priest’s bad dreams — which he shares with his confessor on a regular basis.

Urban’s plan is simple.  Load the vampires onto a sealed train, pulled by a streamlined steam locomotive (real vampires need number 300 sunscreen) toward the clergy controlled cities to take over the world.  He wants his former priest partner (Bettany) to become his partner in crime.

One other funny thing:  Vampires have no eyes.  This is a new one on your critic, who remembers “An Interview with the Vampire” starring Brad Pitt.  All the vampires in that pic had eyes.

The theocracy, who learn of the Priest’s plan to rescue his daughter, send a party of former warrior priests to catch him.  One of them is a warrior priestess, Shannon Pace played by Mädchen Amick in the worst makeup and costume I have ever seen her.  Remember the remake of Fantasy Island in which she played opposite Malcolm McDowell’s Mr. Roarke?  Pace evidently has an unrequited thing for the Priest and quickly becomes his partner in crime.

A showdown between the renegade priests and the vampires on the railroad tracks bound for one of the walled cities provides pic’s best action.  Still, it’s tough to care about this bunch.  The acting is so wooden that even Christopher Plummer is wasted Monsignor Orelas, the top theocrat, in the worst performance I have ever seen him give.

Pic’s unimaginative ending fairly screams sequel.  If its opening box office is any indication, filmgoers will be spared that plague.  PG-13 rated effort is technically adequate.

—30—

Priest on Netflix